Quite often, couples have expressed regrets in getting married to their spouses as a result of domestic violence, intolerable characters and other factors, which often lead to divorce. PAUL OKAH speaks with a cross-section of Nigerians on what men, women should consider before engaging in marriage.
Maturity
Maturity is very important for any man, woman wishing to get married. How you handle issues matter. Decision taking is important. From courtship, you will learn a lot of things about your partner, including how he or she handles issues. That will enable you make a decision on whether the relationship can lead to marriage or not.
Many people who exhibit immaturity can never change even in marriage. There is no sense in trying to defend anyone or expecting someone to change because it won’t work. It is the same immaturity people exhibited during courtship that they will exhibit during marriage.
For instance, imagine what is presently happening between popular footballer, Odion Ighalo and his estranged wife Sonia or Adesuwa. She has been ranting on social media, displaying all manner of immaturity and revealing secrets they shared while the going was good. She may think she’s letting things off her chest, but that’s the highest level of immaturity. Trying to drag a man down, even when he has obviously moved on, is what many women consider a weapon, but very immature.
Adesuwa is presently losing the support and respect of even her fellow women. I mean, there are certain things you can handle with maturity, even if your relationship didn’t work. This is why you really need to take time to study and understand your partner before contemplating marriage.
Also, a man should be careful of dating or contemplating marriage with jobless women who have no ambition except to stay on the internet to waste data and ‘catch cruise’. Yes, many ladies and even men prefer to spend all their days on the internet to monitor people, instead of thinking of how to better themselves. Therefore, it is advisable to know what you want from a relationship and avoid settling down with immature people.
…Josephine Adie, fashion designer
Respect, tolerance
Respect is very important in any relationship, let alone marriage. Before considering marriage, it is good to observe your lover and the way he or she treats others. If he or she does not respect other people, then there is no reason he/she will respect you in marriage. Imagine a situation whereby you give an instruction to your wife and she flouts it. There is nothing more humiliating to a man than having your orders ignored. This has led to problems in many homes.
On the part of the man, there is a need for cultivating a lot of patience and tolerance for the woman. Women have excesses and often act before thinking. For instance, a few months ago, a man filed for divorce just a few weeks into his marriage. The complaint was that his wife slapped his mother at the wedding venue over food. It is said that food for the guests was exhausted and the groom’s mother went to her daughter-in-law to beg to get a portion from the one she reserved for her parents and relatives, but the new bride rejected.
Things degenerated when the mother-in-law scooped the food she saw was in abundance, thereby leading to the new wife slapping her. It was such a disgrace the man could not endure as he waited for the marriage ceremony to be over before filing for divorce immediately. Therefore, it is important to cultivate respect for your husband or wife to avoid your marriage breaking down.
…Yakubu Adamu, civil servant
Communication, understanding
To the glory of God, I have been married for 20 years now and I feel I am in a position to advise young people out there. I feel very sad that divorce cases are becoming too much in Nigeria today. It is just as if people contract marriages just for the fun of it, with no intention of making things work in their marriages. Worse still, many people are not even bothered whether their marriage fails or not, even if they are the problem. In marriage, communication is important. Communication or communicating with one’s partner will encourage understanding and transparency.
As a young man or woman, it is advisable to date a woman, a man you can flow with, someone you can be free to talk to at all times, someone you can make your confidante. Marriages fail when there is no communication and understanding. It is a major problem if any action of a man or woman is viewed with suspicion. Where there is no atom of trust by a wife for her husband or vice versa, the next thing is disaster because there is no trust.
What works for my husband and I is that we are open to each other. Even our children cannot come between us. Though we had teething problems in the early years of our marriage, we were able to overcome them with the help of communication. If my husband gives a command or instruction, it must be obeyed. There is no room for the children siding with their father against me, their mother or vice versa. We speak with one voice. Therefore, it is advisable for lovers to have a common ground on issues.
Before walking down the aisle, ensure your partner is someone that will always support you at all times, instead of disagreeing with you, especially in front of the children. Though there is no single formula to a successful marriage, communication and understanding will more than save a marriage in trying times.
…Grace Chukwuma, civil servant
Smoking, drinking bad signs
If your boyfriend is the smoking and drinking type, there is every tendency that you will become a victim of domestic violence. Drunks and smokers are irascible. They are easily provoked into hitting a woman. Many of them have inferiority complexes too. It is also very easy for them to cheat as they can run after anything in a skirt and blame it on alcohol. Therefore, as a woman, you should observe your boyfriend very well. It is not enough to close your eyes to dangers or red flags in the name of love.
When you are dating, you are bound to notice many negative things about a man. There are some habits you cannot change, no matter how much you try. You cannot say you want to change to a chain smoker or drunk in marriage, when you could not change him during courtship. Therefore, the best thing to do is to walk away, instead of marrying the person with the hope you will change him. This is why many marriages are breaking down because of disappointment and many change expectations by women.
On the other hand, even many ladies often hide their characters during relationships. It is when you marry them that you will come to realize many things they were hiding. At this point, what the person will do is to carry his or her cross. Nevertheless, both men and women should observe very well before taking a leap into marriage. It’s a lifetime journey that must not be hurried into; otherwise one will be full of regrets.
…Kehinde Joseph, ICT consultant
Financial stability
Before considering marriage, it is highly important to take a look at a man’s financial situation and future prospects as a lady. If a man does not have any reasonable means of income, there is nothing that should warrant discussing marriage in the first place. Whether he has a job or doing business, the income matters a lot.
If a man is making N50, 000 monthly, there are many things he cannot afford as a married man. He can manage as a single man, but the amount cannot take care of a wife and children in this economy, even if they are living in the village. It will just be a case of recycling poverty. Even if a man is making N100, 000 per month, how much will he set aside for rent, transportation and feeding, especially if he is living in the city with his family?
Multiple sources of income are necessary before marriage. Even the man should check out the prospects of the lady before considering marriage. Gone are the days when men married women and kept them in the house to focus on taking care of the children.
Times have changed. The economy is not smiling. Therefore, a woman should be able to help out in the family. If a lady is jobless and does not have skills, then she is just a burden to the man. No man should contemplate marrying a jobless or unskilled woman. She will just drain the man financially, emotionally, physically and spiritually as she has nothing to add to the man besides opening her legs. Therefore, financially stability is important. It should be the first consideration for a man or woman thinking about marriage.
…Deborah Afolabi, entrepreneur
